A Nap in a Bathrobe
by K.J. Briseis
Summary: Utter silliness, nothing but silly, regarding Arthur Dent as a romantic figure. Its supposed to be very Harlequin, to tell the truth.


_Hey-ho all! So, just to warn you sufficiently, this is my very first fan-fiction ever. Please be kind and understanding, and if you must 'boo' and throw things at me, no tomatoes as they stain and I am not very domestic._

_How I got to this story is a brief tale in itself; the main character, Caitlin, is a literary interpretation of a friend of mine. We were out shopping in a fairly standard department store and the conversation turned towards two separate issues - dish patterns and erotic novels. An ad for the upcoming Hitch Hiker's film came on one of the TV's and I mused aloud that Ford Prefect would probably be excellent at selecting kitchenware. The rest is a crazy blur, and in the end I came out with a bet that I couldn't write a decent romance about Arthur Dent. I based the protagonist off of my friend just to be spiteful and won good money. Things that don't make sense are probably related to the longer, more boring version of this explanation, and I apologise and am more than willing to tell you all about them._

_It (the story below) was passed around a bit, and everyone hassled me to post it online. Now I am. Please enjoy it, and do review!_

A Nap in a Bathrobe

It was a mild, summer morning and all around the garden insects were reproducing, or eating, sometimes both. Caitlin, who was attending to her beloved aloe plants, was getting a rather intriguing idea from a couple of slugs by the pond. Their sticky underbellies rose and began to gently touch, and the gentleness faded into intensity, and more and more vigorously…

She shook the idea out of her head and decided to get back to the task at hand: weeding. It was frustratingly laborious.

"Good morning!" Arthur Dent called from his letterbox and waved at her, wearing a polite smile and his famous red housecoat.

"Arthur! Could you come over here and help me pull this weed out? It's a real bitch." Caitlin called back, at that time she wasn't really thinking of anything more than a pair of strong arms ripping a cluster of roots from the earth. Once this imagery occurred to her, though, her brain shot right back to sex.

Her tall, averagely built neighbour strode casually into the garden in compliance with her request. Arthur was something to look at, but not something interesting. All the while the same polite expression never left his wonderfully ordinary face. Caitlin couldn't stand a man to be exciting.

"I've been meaning to do a bit of gardening myself, of late." Arthur said, kneeling down next to her; she turned to look at him and found herself gazing right into his shallow, brown eyes. "It can be hard to find the time, you know."

"Yes." She replied courteously, having no idea whatsoever what he had just said to her. It seemed a bit odd that she hadn't noticed how remarkably magnetic the chap really was. A sort of whisper of longing crept up the back of her neck, and she thought back to the slugs. "I don't really garden, I just have to take care of Jeeve's offspring. He spawned – a lot. Then his spawn spawned, and now I've got my aloe forest here…" She explained.

"Ah." Arthur said, but he didn't get it at all. "What was it you wanted me to do for you?"

"This weed, right here…" Caitlin pointed at an angry, razor edged grassy thing with rather woody stems. If it had a name, it would be Lucifer because it was bringing hell on the cacti. It didn't have a name, unfortunately, because on the planet she currently resided on, nobody bothered naming things that weren't pleasant.

"Oh, I see - all right." Arthur Dent was suddenly consumed by determination. It was an invigorating thing to watch, if you go for that sort of thing. Caitlin did, as it turned out, and was made to feel very much alive in that brief, fluttering moment.

He rolled up his sleeves, and got right down to the business of extinguishing the life-force of a dastardly plant. It really was a bitch, and he had to muster a whole new dimension of strength in order to complete the task. The muscles in his forearm visibly flexed and grew tense, his face scrunched up with exertion and he braced his feet on an angle off the ground next to his foe. Caitlin became hyper-sensitive to her surroundings, how blistering the sun was becoming as it grew higher and higher overhead. She licked the sweat off of her lip, and sighed deeply. He was pulling at the weed, pulling, pulling…

When she came to, Caitlin was in her front room and Arthur Dent was nowhere to be seen. Feeling a little dizzy from her fainting spell, she wandered upstairs for an aspirin. She grabbed the bottle from the cupboard, and as she moved to fill her glass with icy tap water, she noticed a note pinned to her sleeve:

_You must've fainted from sun stroke. I've gone to get us some take-away, I'll be back soon to make sure you're all right. A. D._

It was excellent that Arthur planned to return, as she had become entirely obsessed with the notion of getting it on with him, regardless of the logic involved. In a bit of a hurry, she splashed water on her face and spritzed cheese pizza scented mist on her wrist. A little known fact, cheese pizza is irresistible to the average masculine nose - and one can't get more average than her particular prey. Caitlin made her way back downstairs, and turned on the most seductive music she had – a mix tape of Queen and the best songs from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The mood was right. She put the kettle on.

A heavy knock sounded on the door, and Arthur Dent stuck his head in. He said:

"Hello? Caitlin? I'm back…" His voice was soft and soothing, so as not to disturb her if she hadn't yet awoken. He stepped into the house now, and noticed the music slithering its way through every room to greet him.

"I'm in the kitchen." Caitlin called casually, as she poured the tea.

"Aha! Up and moving around just fine, I see!" Arthur said, putting the white plastic take away bags on the countertop.

"Tea?"

"Oh, yes, please. You know, I went so long with out a good cup of… but never mind. Here." He handed over a wrapped up brown parcel the size of a novel.

"What's this?" She asked, absently inspecting it a couple of times.

"A friend of mine has this common-law dish selection partner that claims she is no way romantically involved with him, she sent you Edwardian pornography so far as I can gather. She apologises for it not being Victorian, but it seems a simple enough mistake…"

"Oh, Cool!" Caitlin exclaimed joyously, and eagerly unwrapped the parcel.

"Right, right." Arthur searched for something that wasn't smutty to look at, and noticed something he deemed unusual:

"Do you have a shrine to Mick Jagger in your kitchen?" He asked, perplexed.

"Just a little one." She explained, and handed over a cup of hot, exquisitely prepared tea. "He is the undisputed God Almighty of this world. It would be a bit inappropriate if I _didn't_ have an alter to him next to the stove…"

"Right." He sighed through his teeth, and finally sat down. "I hope you like… food." Arthur said cheerily, but halfway through the sentence he realized he had no idea what the type of cuisine he purchased was.

"Oh, I do… like food." Caitlin answered in a near whisper. "I like food very much."

"It's important for keeping people alive…" Arthur responded, and Sweet Transvestite began its bewitching effects. They masticated, right there at the table.

"Well, that certainly was filling, but I should be off."

"Wait, you could stay and… have… more tea, with me?" was the feeble attempt at keeping him a little longer.

"Tempting as it is, I better not j…" This statement was interrupted with another, blunter one on the part of his female companion:

"I want you, Dent!"

"I beg your pardon?" He was entirely taken aback.

"You, Arthur! I want to have sex with you! I want to unbutton your cute little pajama top and nibble your left ear! I want to do more dramatic things to you later on, but I'd rather not plan those! I want you Arthur! I love a man in a dingy robe…" She sighed, and hung her head in embarrassment.

"What!"

"I said I wanted to unbutton your…"

"No, no, I heard what you said. I just, its just…what!" Arthur stumbled over his words and blushed. Caitlin took his hand and made that kiss-kiss me face, and he complied.

She had successfully Seduced Arthur Dent.

The End


End file.
